


冷たい風と片思い (A Cold Wind and a Lonely Love)

by Tsundere_Faith



Category: Hello! Project, Morning Musume., j-pop
Genre: Afterlife, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Attempted Murder, Betrayal, F/F, Grief/Mourning, Happy Ending, Heaven, Inspired by Music, Murder, Murder-Suicide, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-13
Updated: 2017-06-19
Packaged: 2018-10-18 13:40:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,047
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10618056
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tsundere_Faith/pseuds/Tsundere_Faith
Summary: "It's my fault. So only I can fix everything."





	1. Don't Go

It was as if time had stopped.

She was frozen, like a statue. She felt like she could no longer breathe. No words were able to form in her mouth as she kept her eyes focused on what she had prayed was a nightmare that she could wake up from, but it was already confirmed real. 

Riho looked so peaceful, as if she were only sleeping. But with the shrill flatline of the monitor that stood next to the bed, everyone in the room knew very well that Riho was not sleeping.

That was it. She was gone. A beautiful tree cut down too early, it hadn't even seen an entire season pass. It hadn't lost its leaves or budded new ones. But it had been beautiful while it lasted. And the most beautiful tree Kanon had ever seen.

Riho's promise echoed in Kanon's head, bouncing off of the walls of her now empty mind. It only felt like Riho had lied to her now as she listened to her mind's recording over and over again.

"One day, Suzuki Kanon, you will be renamed Sayashi Kanon. Alright?"

And Kanon had been so willing to wait for that day. But now that day would never come. The day that Riho had promised her was removed from the future that she and Riho had pre-written for themselves and themselves only. And it had disappeared in an instant under their noses, like magic.

This is why Kanon's greatest fear had always been surprises. And this was the worst, scariest surprise of them all.

Kanon was so mortified that she couldn't even hear her leader calling out to her. A rubbing sensation started pulling her from her trance little by little until she could recognize the familiar warmth beside her along with the hand on her back and the voice calling out to her. Reality began to clear up.

"Kanon," Mizuki waited patiently at Kanon's side. "Kanon, are you okay?"

Okay? How can I be okay? Kanon thought. I'm not okay. Not anymore. The love of my life is dead.

"Kanon?" A panicking Sakura darted forward and grabbed Kanon's shoulders, starting to shake her violently. "Kanon! Kanon, say something!"

"Oda! Stop!" Sayumi jumped in and took hold of Sakura's hands, prying them off of Kanon's shoulders. Sakura responded with a scream as she writhed in emotional agony while Sayumi fought to get her to back away and let Kanon be. 

"It's not fair! It's not fair!" Sakura repeated again and again as she struggled to break free from Sayumi's grasp. Sayumi began to grow frustrated, to the point where she abruptly let go of Sakura and pounded her fist on the window, screaming curses at the highest deities she believed in. 

Sakura had collapsed to her hands and knees with Haruka at her side, Haruka's hand caressing Sakura's now sore back. 

Erina had arrived at angry Sayumi's side, leaning against the cold glass with her. Erina brought her lips close to Sayumi's ear and whispered to the frustrated ex-leader. 

"You're not the only one." 

"Just fuck off." Sayumi snarled while she whipped around and stormed out of the crowded room to find somewhere else to let out her anger, leaving the rest of the group to wade in the grief that had suddenly overcome them all.

Erina released a sigh. With feelings now tied into a knot, she leaned against the cold glass of the window for a few moments. 

Rain poured down on the city that was oblivious to the events occuring in the lives of the Morning Musume members. Cars rolled down the street, lights reflected on puddles and pedestrians greeted each other with nods as they walked past one another. 

Erina dreaded the day that their public would find out that Riho was dead. It would devasted all Hello! Project fans and probably many other people as well, specifically those who loved only Riho as an idol. 

Erina could already visualize Riho fans breaking down and losing a good chunk of their motives to keep going in life. Erina cringed at the thought. 

"Why? Why?!" Sakura grabbed Haruka and throttled her. "Duu! Why?!"

"Oda-chan!" Haruka's voice bounced along with her forced movements. "Oda-chan! Please! You're being too loud!"

"Because Riho-chan can't hear me anymore!" Sakura stopped shaking Haruka and screamed in her face instead. "She can't hear me, Haruka! She can't hear me!"

No, Sakura. I can still hear you. I can hear all of you.

Sakura sobbed hysterically. 

"Oda, please cry softer." Ogata arrived at Sakura's side and knelt down next to her friend, placing a hand in her silky hair and attempted to comfort her with long strokes of her fingertips. "You'll make yourself…" 

Sakura's sobbing transformed into retching as her face developed a red color. 

"Oda!" Maria darted across the room to grab a garbage can, but by the time Maria's fingers had reached it, a mess had already been made on Haruka's shirt. 

Haruka remained still, freaked out by the warm, gooey, chunky brown fluids of Sakura's body that had now ended up in a splatter on her white tee. Ogata cringed. 

"Are you okay, Oda-chan?" Ayumi made her way to Sakura's side.

Seconds passed in silence, no responses coming from Sakura.

"Hey, Oda," Iikubo added herself to the scene and patted Sakura's back. "You dead, too?"

"Iikubo!" Ogata hissed. 

Typical Iikubo, using dark humor in the worst times. The only reason she made jokes was because she needed to laugh—she couldn't bear to cry, not in front of her members. She would be embarrassed if her strong image were to be ruined by tears. 

Ayumi nudged her girlfriend. 

"Let's give her some space, Iku-chan," Ayumi suggested, beginning to push Iikubo back to the other side of the room. "She probably just needs time to process all of this. You know how Sakura is."

Yeah. I know. Iikubo thought. I know.

The room fell silent once more, except for the flatline.

And in that moment, a tear finally managed to roll down Kanon's cheek.

It moved as quickly as her sudden realization that all of this was real, and once the little droplet landed gently on Riho's cheek, Kanon finally responded out loud, releasing the emotions that she had kept bottled up since the day she had known that Riho wasn't going to live.

Her jaws parted in a deafening scream.

"Riho!"

She was weak now. Because Riho couldn't even hear her, but at the same time, unknown to everyone, she could.

Kanon's screams were muffled in Riho's light blue hospital gown, Kanon breathing what was left of Riho's sweet cherry scent before it faded away for good. 

She silently begged Riho to stop, to stop leaving. To warm up again and open her eyes.

Kanon's prayers went unanswered.

In the bed, the lifeless girl smiled.

"It's okay, Kanon."

Riho weaved a shaking hand in between the strands of Kanon's hair.

"It's okay."

No one could feel her now, not even Kanon.

Couldn't see. Couldn't hear.

Riho smiled up at the light appearing before her eyes, a single tear rolling down her cheek to meet Kanon's. Riho allowed her body to go limp, and closed her eyes as she savored the sweet pain of listening to Kanon screaming at her. Riho touched Kanon's hand just one last time.

"It's okay. I will wait."

The light engulfed the room, every sound beginning to fade and be replaced by faint choirs singing "Alleluia". The cold air became warm and dove feathers tickled Riho's bare skin. 

Now not only could Kanon no longer hear her. 

Now they couldn't hear each other.


	2. A Young Girl is Crying

"Kanon. Kanon, wake up."

Kanon grunted and pulled the thick comforter over her head. 

"Kanon!" 

Jumping on her back again. She just wouldn't quit.

"Don't make me cover that face in kisses~"

Kanon threw the blanket back and sat up so abruptly that everything spun for a heartbeat, Riho spinning as well.

"Morning, sleepyhead!" Riho leaned forward. "Ayumi has breakfast ready!" 

Kanon sighed. 

"Come on!" Riho grasped Kanon's arm and began to pull.

Realization hit Kanon like a truck. 

Kanon didn't even think twice about where she might be, she dove into Riho's arms, tears already forming in her eyes. 

"Riho!"

The impact was so strong that Riho had nearly tumbled backwards off of the bed. 

"Oh thank God!" Kanon half breathed half screamed, relieved to be breathing Riho's cherry smell again. "It was just a dream! I was so scared! I nearly lost my shit! I…"

"Kanon!" Riho's voice changed out of nowhere. She no longer sounded happy. She no longer sounded joyful. She sounded angry. She had just screamed at Kanon.

And there wasn't supposed to be an echo in the room.

Kanon froze. Again.

A trickle of dread, a cold sweat, a single drop of fear made its way down Kanon's spine in the form of a shiver. Arms and legs beginning to jerk and spasm, Kanon raised a now tired head to see a Riho that hadn't been there a moment ago. 

In fact, it wasn't Riho at all. 

It was nothing. There was nothing. Everything around Kanon had disappeared, faded to black. Kanon scrambled to her feet in a panic. 

"Oh…oh my God…" Kanon stumbled backwards. "Riho? Riho?" 

Her own voice bounced off of invisible walls that Kanon could not find, her own echo eventually calling back to her using her own name and Riho's familiar voice. And others.

Tanaka. Ayumi. Erina. Ogata. Iikubo. Sakura. Haruka. Risa. Sayumi.

They all screamed right back at her every time she screamed for Riho. 

"No! No!" Kanon's knees gave out and anxiety drowned her like an ocean as she held her head inside her hands. "Stop it! Stop it!"

The voices grew louder, shouting incoherently at her. Kanon started crying.

"Please! I don't want this! Riho doesn't deserve this!" Kanon assumed the fetal position on the glass floor which was already cracking beneath her, shards coming up to wound her even more. Kanon actually enjoyed the pain. 

"Yes! Please!" She cried. "Take me! Take me instead! Lord, please! Take me to my Riho! Take me!"

One voice amongst the others started to grow louder. It took Kanon only a moment to realize that voice was screaming her name.

"Kanon! Kanon!"

"Take me!"

"Kanon!"

"Just take me!"

"Kanon!"

"Take me!"

"WAKE THE FUCK UP! YOU'RE HAVING A NIGHTMARE!"

SMACK.

A stinging sensation on her cheek pulled Kanon from the dream world. 

The hands on her arms belonged to Mizuki. Not Riho. And she wasn't in her room. She was in an empty waiting room at the hospital.

Anger filled Kanon.

"Where is she?!" Kanon grabbed Mizuki by the shoulders. 

"Where is who?!" Mizuki asked, taken aback by Kanon's sudden hostility.

"Riho! Riho! Where is Riho! Kanon screamed. "Tell me! Tell me!"

"The morgue, Kanon! The morgue!" Mizuki shouted. Kanon stopped moving. 

"So…it wasn't a dream?" Kanon's eyes widened and she immediately felt weak again. Mizuki shook her head.

"No, it wasn't, Kanon," Mizuki bowed. "I'm sorry."

Kanon's feelings disappeared once more. Her facial expression were now blank and her body went limp, causing Kanon to slouch. Mizuki embraced Kanon in a hug. 

"Do you want to say goodbye one last time?" Mizuki asked. 

Kanon's body became tense. Hesitant, she slowly raised her head to look at her leader. 

"I can do that?" Kanon asked. Mizuki responded with a nod. 

Kanon felt breathless. 

"Please…" Kanon begged. "Let me see her…once more…I don't want to forget her peaceful face." 

"Besides, it might help you accept this." A familiar voice came from the doorway of the dim room. Erina stood outlined against the bright hall lights. Mizuki helped a shaking Kanon to her feet. 

"Come on, Kanon," Mizuki spoke softly. "It's all for the best." 

\--- 

There she was, just as Kanon had last seen her before being dragged out of the room by Risa. 

Peaceful, smiling, it still looked as if she were only sleeping and she could wake up any second and say hello. But of course, that wasn't going to happen.

The white blanket that covered Riho's body outlined her shape perfectly, the shape that Kanon remembered touching every day, the soft skin that she would stroke and curves that she would run her fingers over. 

Riho's beautiful long legs were no longer dancing, they were limp. Her eyes no longer sparkled. They were closed and if they were forced to open, they were dark. Her chest no longer rose and fell. 

Kanon stared at the body on the silver table, a light shining down on Riho's perfection. The doctor stood nearby, his head bowed in sadness. Kanon stepped forward, her hand reached out until she was close enough to touch Riho's hair. A tear fell from Kanon's eye.

Riho's hair was still soft, still the way Kanon remembered it. It made her even more depressed to know that she would never feel anything like that again.

"Sleep well, my angel…" Kanon breathed. 

Kanon leaned down until her lips met Riho's, and the cherry smell tickled her nose. Kanon stroked Riho's hair, savoring the moment as best she could. This was her last moment with Riho. She wouldn't let anything ruin it.

Mizuki's hand found her shoulder again. Kanon didn't dare move. She couldn't go, not yet. Erina tugged at her jacket. 

"Come on, Zuki," Erina took Kanon's hand. "We need to go. Everyone else will be worried." 

Kanon was hesitant, but she did as Erina said. 

Kanon tenderly released Riho's lips from hers, giving Riho's cheek one last touch and her hair one last nuzzle. It wasn't long before she was being physically distanced from Riho again. Kanon watched helplessly as the two large doors swung shut behind them, getting smaller and farther away as they made their way down the hallway. 

"Goodbye, my Riho." Kanon breathed, and turned around, promising herself not to look back.


	3. I Won't Cry, I Only Want To See You Again

"She's been like that for hours." 

"Has she even moved?"

"Not one inch."

"I'm getting worried."

"Maybe we should put her to bed?"

"Just let her be, girls. She still needs time to process."

Kanon had already lost count of the raindrops that were committing suicide on the glass window pane. Every one described how she felt. Riho couldn't leave her. She couldn't let Riho go.

Kanon closed her eyes and reminisced the look on Riho's peaceful face, but the image only began to burn the second it became clear enough for Kanon to see. 

The flames in the crematory. 

"Stop!" Kanon reached out a shaking hand. "Stop! Stop! Riho!" 

The flames grew and began to consume Riho's beauty, already beginning to turn her into and ugly mess of burnt skin and bones. 

Charcoal peeled away at her cheek and her hair turned to ashes, every bit of her previously flawless skin turning a crisp red. Kanon squeezed her eyes shut more, causing tears to form and fall into the fire, little strings of steam rising like flags placed in loving memory of the droplets.

The rain. 

Kanon couldn't take it anymore. 

"Kanon. Come with me."

The sound of Riho's voice made her shiver. But Kanon couldn't help but smile.

"Okay." 

Kanon lowered her hand into the flames to touch Riho's cheek, letting the flames jump onto her. Kanon's grin began to stretch. 

"I'm coming, Riho."

BANG.

Kanon was jerked from her fantasy by the sudden clap of thunder, which was followed quite quickly by a scream erupting from the throat of Yokoyama. A frustrated groan from Kaede followed.

"Yoko-san! Get off of me! Don't tell me you're still afraid of thunderstorms!"

Kaede pushed Yokoyama off of her body, and Yokoyama landed on the floor with a thump. She looked up at Kaede with sad eyes.

"I'm sorry, Kaga." Yokoyama whined. 

"It's fine, just please stop jumping on me before I need a back replacement!" Kaede leaned back against Ogata, who had been styling Haruka's hair in tiny ponytails.

"These storms sure have been persistent," Ogata spoke up as she skillfully twisted another orange band into Haruka's short hair. "I wonder how much longer they are going to last."

"Stop wondering, Ogata. Because there's going to be another 2 to 3 weeks of it." Miki sat up from laying on the carpet next to Iikubo. Iikubo huffed frustratedly.

"That's terrible!" She whined, turning onto her stomach and digging her painted teal fingernails into the gray carpet. "I'm bored!"

"Stop complaining, Iikubo!" Akane hissed, standing up from her seat next to Maria. "How can you only be concerned about yourself at a time like this, anyway?! Can't you think about how the rest of us feel for once?" 

Iikubo glared at Akane as she rose to her feet. "Shut it!" She growled. "I'm just as upset as you are, but that doesn't give you the right to take it out on me! Or any of us, for that matter!"

"I'm not taking it out on you, I am just pointing out how much of a self-centered bitch you are whenever we need you the most!" Akane retorted, stamping her right foot down so hard that everyone could feel the floor shake. Kanon covered her ears.

"Don't call me a bitch!" Iikubo snapped. "In fact, you're the one who is being the bitch right now!"

"Me?!" Akane's eyes widened. "Well, at least I'm not going around whining about myself only, I actually care about others and you should too!"

"I do care!" Iikubo screamed. Kanon felt a tear roll down her face. Why were they fighting? It was scaring her. It would disturb peaceful Riho. 

"Prove it, then!" Akane shouted back.

"As if I haven't shown my love for this group already?!" Iikubo squinted at Akane. "What the fuck?!"

"I told you to prove it, bitch!" Akane pushed on Iikubo's chest, forcing her back a few steps. Iikubo lost it at that.

"Fine!" Iikubo grabbed Akane's arm and clenched her fist.

"ENOUGH!!" Mizuki stood up instantly.

"SHUT YOUR FILTHY MOUTHS!" 

The room fell silent after the scream from Kanon. 

"Riho is asleep upstairs. Don't wake her up."

Worry hit the group right in that moment.


	4. I Love You

Like Miki had predicted. The rain still wasn't stopping. In fact, it had only begun to rain harder with each day.


End file.
